Departed trail & Bitter trials.

English 51A

Thursday 5:20-8:30

At a tremendously fast pace my knees rumble forward and back. In pain I stomp on the mud that shrugs apart and holds my shoes which petite dirt pieces I wish were shed off of me. But I have to run up this steep slum hill of moist and slippery mud. Stay digging my feet into that murky path up to my mysterious future of the day. Night holds beautiful city stars but holds terrorizing memories of me arguing with the departed.

Release me out this plaster feeling grip that dries up to harden my way to the light. It may not be the hundredth time I do this yet the trail has hit home a dozen times. I plead it stops but I must take the noise of one side’s wishes to mind as I duel with the brown sinking seal of this slum hill. Stab a stable footing in front me with an infringing desire to go against the creeping weight below me. Defile the muddy path with still straight grassy earth for me, and give a new grace filled sense in me.

Twist the realm, animate the innate cross on my shoulders so it walks off. I have an inanity or a nonsensical remark that defines my madness. The steep hill doesn’t get stepper at my step but it all gets heavier. Pressing in my shoes as the spirit is willing to get further ahead. Treading across this murk is hurtful to the mind as I feel another lurking behind me.

Invoked in an invocation or an assistance of its own assertions that it comes and goes as it pleases. I shouted against devils and brought light against hollow aberrations that are teaming with temptations. But the looming force was beyond my presence to compare. It floated above the weighted suction of the mud I treaded in, but still walked about like it defined what it could step on; even air, no, it walked above it. This was as if all things were below it and not part of it all at the same time. It felt separated from form yet held familiarity in what I could notice, as if mirroring a person from another realm.

It wasn’t ungodly but hardly godly and seemed unbiased to my life. It didn’t hold praise for others or push a pendulum either way and it simply watched things unfold. I wanted to turn but without turning nor opening my mouth I knew what was to come and what was to be:

“I was the 2nd celestial body to inhabit the stars beside your father, I collect and give as much if not more than him. I can even boast about my work to you without feeling guilty because I’m hardly ever guilty of my work. Hardly ever the culprit but still blamed as I am. It’s finally time to come to think for yourself what I am”.

And so I stop in my tracks knowing who I didn’t know would come to me. He who I never thought I would think about or converse with. I turned over the dirt as if my whole universe stopped for this.  I began with a “Hello,” to death.

“Hello divinely dividing beings of the perished. Sudden but present across the earth, enemy to all. Phantom husband to life, going arm and arm to the entire end of eternity. Cousin to voided vacancies of entropy. Servant to the one most high, herald of the one who sits among the light above, and bringer of raptures.”

“Oh why did you listen to the random propagation of fate and a chance filled turn over of destiny. Oh why must I climb this muddy hole like grave. I feel anger towards all my demons, even God, now I meet you.The spirit has its crawling desire for its will to be done and have me get out this pit of despair. But am I here to die ambiguous.” 

And so I fall to my knees in this pitted body of war, a grave dug from motor impacts; in front of death’s stoic stance. The mud beneath me splashes. Even the filth I surround myself understands the predicament I placed myself in. Without sound from his painted black form I knew by a gesture of his finger pointing at the pat before me. And so I climbed out that pit and lived.