Departed trail & Bitter trials.

Since I’m an unreliable narrator, it’s entirely possible for me to create a narrative view that is a placebo, a placeholder for the truth, or a super vitamin for the mind. The tangent world experience I have, could entirely be a set up to a grand joke or game that I am playing without knowing the rules; and that death is my way of throwing the game board off the counter balance of life. Medications have taken me to unhedged moments, unsettling breaks, as well as inhibit my thoughts in a empty walled up world. Considering myself at the beginning of taking pills, I have reached a status of normal hood. The feelings I feel are mine.

I’m not overwhelmed with emotional anxiety or even extreme feelings. And more importantly, my sense of empathy is lessened; so other people’s problems stay their own while mine stay mine. Done through medication. I thank my Lord for getting my mind right before my sister’s death because I would definitely succeed in hurting myself and my family. Thankful that it was a human error that killed my sister and not COVID; I can blame a person but not the entire world.

Actions have repercussions that I don’t want to perpetuate when I have lived through failure and the fear of failing again. As well as having to explain to the powers that be, that I sinned again. To walk and talk with the sense that I mistook my gifts the second time around. I could blame chance or my surroundings. But ultimately the last thing to blame is the one arena that is battled for domain, my mind.

The pills lessens the voices but doesn’t get rid of them. The way I see things are less foggy and more defined however all definitions can have a double meaning or an other use across my skin. I don’t have an inner life, a refuge within my self from my self. In an introverted world, it’s easy to be lost oneself or other worlds that are away from one’s problems. Yet it’s hard for me to do this.

How do I cultivate such a skill when the thoughts come beating in. My attention is always on things that don’t speak to me, so in reality they are chasing my attention away constantly. I’m never truly attached to things for a long enough time for things to matter. I’ve been with the Lord a year so, I hope it’s enough to get his favor. I want my thoughts completely gone; fighting them shows I’ve yet to give up full heartily.

Music can reawaken forgotten strength along with the direct line to the emotions that I’ve bottled up. So it’s only fitting to close myself to all stimulation cause it’s unbearable, which is a kind of death; also a type of sin. Emotion is a life source that God has gifted along with the very existence that needs to be felt by the heart. I picture a picture of happiness that is not my own. I picture my happy sister.

I picture her happy with me and not dissatisfied with my life. I don’t want to act out the worst version of myself in her eyes or Gods. I’m tired of being so faithless in my losing waters and collapsing below the surface expecting for the departing cries to reach someone but my voice is drowned out by my curses. So much aware of becoming out reaching and out spoken that I won’t be looked at or after. Please mercy.

Dear Heavenly Father, in Jesus Christ name, and empowered by the Holy Spirit. From tragicomedy that comes at us like the false headlights of a freight liner carrying our despair; bless us with not just the ability to swat away these things but the ability to be empowered and strengthen by our endeavors. A dear son of yours and father to a friend is feeling out of place with his health and stomach. Come heal his ailment, come in turn and in tune his health, as well as come to bring close family and loves anchoring hand that releases pain at your request. This family is read for your power to draw them close to you and be empowered by you.

Come the angels of ancient lore of the true Lord, come bring His blessings that have been done for me 10 times and then 100 times that. Bring your eye of certified certainty to a strength I once held with you. I bring forth no whorls or spiraling waters of false everlasting love to you. Others ask for free favors, even for the stars. That is done while the more than guidelines of laws are ignored and celebrated like golden calf heathens; but I desire your grace to share and bestow whole bible blessings on my strength that’s held in torment of my own inside conflicts.

My mental health is brought into worry, conflict, and suffering. Please remember how strong I was and had the heart to know when to ask for help. I pray for more transparency that you’ve already seen in me, be given more on to you as well. Both of us know how I fight daily in battles against myself, my demons, and even with you. I pray for a return in God’s light.

Come my great forgiver and sin enduring cross bearer, come to save my soul for your heavens have been invoked; by prayer, by love, by proven suffering, and by my cries. When I’m in drowning waters, I pray God you be there and not have a stick to push me deeper. Come to this inner body to welcome it into your grace. Please lord give me all divination of how I must act, pray, and in trust to the future. In great words of guidance from your mouth, great direction from your appointed fingers in decisions, dealings, contemplation; let them be by your plans. Correct whatever force that misdirects me and be refutable.

I pray salvation in deliverance for this man, me. Light the dark with more than a whisper of light, to over take the shadows and cast them back to primordial illnesses. Take waves of change and salvation that will over take with a conquering right to ignorant lands of what they don’t know as sin. Prevailing winds of your sovereignty come to lay hands on and build truth. Reach out past the placed borders, drawn lines of division, and built walls of institutionalized belief. 

With any season that basks me in storms doing the part to rage against, defy, and test me by the enemy, you’ve been there. With the rolling thunder pray to be like Samson who kept to his faith. I pray for the returning reach of gold clouds at the end of the storm at my head. Love on me as it’s been described by poet hymns and in Bible sonnets. I dig deep in myself to be finished with false doctrine and false givings in the dark; I worship your altar and not those with horns of illusionary crowns.

I pray a shatter hammer of wisdom comes down on this strong minded man who needs the Lord’s thrusting effort to break him down. Shattered and yet not completely broken, so I can build back up with a new form; built for the Lord’s orderly works. No stronghold of the internal is beyond the might that breaks the walls of Jericho and heals like Moses’s bronze staff; the Israelites knew of its salvation and so well I. Now is his time to be delivered onto the path reborn, remade, rediscovered, and ready for him to walk onto my side. Lay me softly on the ground, on a cloud breaking days with wisdom ringing in my ears.

Praise on this wretched day that has me lurching with silver dollar eyes as I’m dead. Clean me up and put me right for the walking stride to triumph. Pray for my flourishment, pray for my head to be lightened from the heavy crown of worry that sits upon me. Pray for my bounty, pray the yoke I bear will be dropped to the ground without me. Pray for my heart, my clarity, and my subsistence, this I pray. 

Your 10 fold of worthy words preached, be brought to my heart in restoration to my heart. Victory I exclaim, victory I endure towards, and victory I shall receive. Forge toward this dark place with love at my breast and wings at my back; I must flock to the gates of salvation rising in me and betting all hedging bets on myself. I must rise above these falsehoods. I must get out of my eternity of worry and self domination that has me suffering in that pain of despair then doubt.

I will conjure a conquerors spirit that will turn on the triumphant tyranny of my oppression. I’ve lived this life in lasting grief at a life I thought was never been mine and not deserving of any love nor joy of being alive. But I’m done forsaking myself over the words you have fed me since I was born. I had dozed you since. You were the only one speaking to me and thought this was love breaking my life into a miserable making or a natural existence but now I know there is real and truth made love for me. I will no give into that dispensed despair again nor your words.

Tercentenary awards to dealing with this hellish scenario for a third time. Speaking against life I shall respond with a gesture of equal admission. What gives you the right to placate my life and place it on the notes of a sucided harp string. What gives you the right to say I should act in person with an aligned grace of hell. You’ve placed your evil wilds in me and in this world that took my loves and took what I wished and believed I would grow up to as a child but you dare take all that and still want to take my life in payment to what.

You gave me nothing of real worthwhile impression that I say with honesty that I never loved. You let me learn not that God wasn’t on my side but I learned that you were the person in my way that kept me out of his way to a true faith, a true love, a true existence in peace in me, rather than the one you say is more important. You made my family into my demons that speak your words out their lips and tasting on their tongues for your guilt that I can choose a better existence with things i can live without you. I don’t need you. God, I proclaim that I don’t need you in my life.

I can pray that you will be saved cause I know you will never understand the things I have now chosen to be more important than you. How can you accept something bigger than you when you see your one life as being the center of you and not have another be it and built on it. You fall from him and you don’t have to drag me any more cause I must let you go and climb my way up without my hand in yours trying to pull you forward.

In the meantime insolence of un-silent clouded volumes of static hoary of hoorays above the invulnerability of vulture tires of bat wings that part the night and feed on my eyes. I’m ready to come in suit with battle with you, over my final curtailing performance with this duet of bloody looking cuts. Drink your drink that runs finished with my once oozing despair messages aiming to settle my longing habit of suffering a circum groove of goodbyes. I’m sorry about the picture running out of wine and ink painted tastes of your pleasure toast. Okay, okay.

You’ve never bested the rocks and gravel in my shoes keeping at my edging nerves that kept me awake as I walk to my end so how can u say this tour of resulted seas are your doing to grace me with love under your wings. Heat on heat by flesh on flesh in hell’s circles and having you giving me solace in a sinner’s mind that dreams that they will be welcomed and not be put on the rack like another. Lies of lies I know you lie to me like the mirrors of my brothers held to me growing up. I denied them and smashed those reflections of grayish mistakes to love, to adore, to seek approval, and the mistake of what blessings were from blood.

Spare the devil gospel in this box church; process in process time of heritage, novel legacies, and rapid succession of rapture ancestors falling to you in master catastrophe. Father, father i preach that I had enough of not this curse but of the lies of helper that doesn’t want to help me. He wants to keep me small in his grip. He wants my ears basking in his words as uncuttable amenities, iron strong immutable works, and mourned trusted wisdom.

I am a child of the Lord who is above all seated crowns, proclaimed and yet to be spoken powers of the unknown, outright God that has all men kneel to him, and you dare pull me from that one father that has been with me. Promised to devils, and you, to take me to raving ravages of my handed grave; broken hearted I know he wept for me as I lauded against him. He watched me when I had felt at my lowest levels wanting to remove my own intolerable pain. 

You dare say I am unloved and been forsaken in all days, in all hours, in this entirety of my existence. You dare decide to take that I was born with and since returned to. What rights do you have to proclaim to be my savior and personal God? What daring actions have you made to give me a better life when you have made all things worse for me. I lived in unhappy bitterness believing that this was just another day living normally in looped oppressions by others powers of the world but it’s always been your world in havoc control against me.

You made a point to teach me to hate you and become your child of filthiest blasphemy and deny my Lord. You of all crazed creatures thinking I would not learn to see your ilk temple temptations as rotten offerings. Be back to the maggots you seriously try to serve me. Be back to those pits of squashed spoiled fruit you think would work me an appetite. You play these games to trick me into entitlements I should sign off to you, birthrights handed over into your palms, and give up the passageways of adorn high crosses.

Apathetic anger has filled me now. And I desire to curse you further than God has settled to have you placed in. I pray you see your rewards as I clap my hands in action summons to activation of acursement on your person. Rebuke in the name of my trusted and truest Father, in the saving order of blood paid, in the flesh that was torn then made whole in resurrection, and in the reaching out power of his kingdom I place you further out of my Gods presence in far casted stars of dead dust systems of rotating skeletons placed away from him. To never be in the birthing room of creation, never hear volumes of first innocents breathing, nor in the smelling ombence of beauty far greater than your old harvest light that is in its pastoral lands.

 I speak revigurated  revere in the Lordship that seeks to have a relationship with me in texts, dreams, gifted blessings, and heavy graced love upon me. “You devils get behind me!”