Departed trail & Bitter trials.

“I wish to dream of blessings, that my dear Heavenly Father will start up a prayer within me, I wonder what it would say in my head. Would it be an equation to solve a list of questions; like: is she alive and renewed in a new infant body, in heaven and happy, died satisfied as best she could, and is she still in pain? I’m worried for her soul; in the bag of personal items that were given back to us, a Bible hinted at my beliefs for her soul. Did she accept God, did she know the end was coming and wanted to prepare herself with the Lord. Christian thoughts come in fast due to me having been walking with God for a year.”

“But removing this new layer from the outside, at the core of me was a person wanting my sister to be okay and safe somewhere, because she still feels like she will come back home. I remember the forced smiles she would always get out of others. I remember her loud stomps through the house when she was looking for something and couldn’t find it, or just simply her walking around to check in on us. I wait for that noise, that voice, that presence that has always been in my life. Dame I would exchange any and everything for hers and I know my mom, my brothers, and all of my family would want the same for her.”

“Bless her spirit. Let it rise to where it belongs. Let it be whole and not torn apart like the limbs of a knock off barbie. Let it be known that her family will always try to live up to her standards. Bless us with her voice in our heads, let’s not forget it because it would hurt us otherwise.”

“If reborn I hope she goes to a good and caring family. It would be nice if some predestination would have her living a better and happier life than we shared. Hopefully any regrets or plans she had were easy to let go of. But I know it’s not true. She still hadn’t married the man I still call my brother in law; I’m sure she regrets that, but that doesn’t mean she’d regret ever loving him.”

“I’m sure second of all she regrets dying but doesn’t regret living her life the best she did. I’m sure she has regrets that I don’t know about and I just hope she doesn’t let them hold on from passing on or something like that. . Dame, I wish she is happy. In my dreams she regrets nothing, and is happy

“But to keep your dreams going and from changing is hard. An escape becomes inescapable horror. What it shouldn’t be soon becomes what is from what was. The horror that is to come is me falling into the primeval jungle of hysteric sadness. The things I recount soon make me heavy in sadness.”

“I can’t help but cry about the things that make me happy, like going to the Colorado river once a year to lay around BBQ-ing by the river. The comfort of complaining about my other siblings vanish with my sister as she was the one I would complain to. My life seem dimmer without her. I just hope God understands how much I want her back and hope she’s in heaven looking over me.”

>Section:2

In the days before the 2nd memorial for my sister, I began to feel the feeling of backsliding. Calm voices are my witnesses to nothing becoming a traffic collision. I seek a cathedral for faith and salvation but I’m stuck in a coliseum doing battle with my captor inside myself. My demons are alive. As the day came I was sadder than I was all month because Priscilla was finally home in an urn.

Upset on how some small gold thing could be what’s left of my sister, this was what was racing in my mind. The party was small and began at 3pm. Things for me would get worse. Again I’m getting reacquainted with drinking, and again I am crying for my sister. And again I’m 13 drinking for the first time and the taste is revolting but stronger than an electric shot to the nerves up my spine.

I’m backsliding into who I was before I was saved and who led me into a field where I split myself open. I’m losing confidence as I lose footing on the accomplishment of doing good work versus the devils work. The devil I know wasn’t buried but sealed away in my belly but I can feel it crawling up like a monkey on a tree. I threw up out of the stress that this monster will return. Not to mention the stress of trying to do good when I can’t help but feel pity for myself.

I drink old friends by the neck as if I was a vampire drinking a meal in, so violently and so hungrily. Pity was the excuse I had to drink, sadness was the grieving bread and butter but my sadness was the excuse. I drank to numb, no. I drank to forget, no. I drank to simply drink,no ; i drank to just have my sister come down from heaven and hit hard for drinking so much.

I drank and drank; but no satisfaction. I question my stupid reasons for drinking and how they didn’t change anything at all. My friend Josue was beside me and decided to leave the party at the early stages so as to get me sober. We drove to his house while I complained about my family who were letting their anger out on each other as well as how it was stressing me out heavily. Even if you’re not the one being fought with, being in that environment wasn’t helpful at all.

The activity chosen to workout my sweat and liqueur with boxing. I know Josue takes it easy on me cause he doesn’t want to hurt me but today he taunted me to hit him hard. I take it he wanted me to take out my frustration on him as he may think I wanted. If I was the angry type then I would; but pity parties are the things I throw around myself. I still boxed him though, I wanted to be sober and didn’t want to be a crying drunken mess.

I guess it was the amount of self pity that was on display that made a crying drunk worse than anything. But of course I went back home soon after. I thanked my friend for being there for me and let him go on his way. I go off to the back yard to be with my family as a less of a crying mess. It feels like my heart is full and heavy with guilt. 

Tell me what’s worse than this. You were the one I knew whose love would never leave me and now it’s gone. That’s what I vacantly sense right now. Could God have taken aback from me for the day or for eternity. I spent time with my family but ultimately I went to sleep praying for myself. 

>Section:2

“Pray greatly, pray in that humble manner. Plead to God plead in that attentive speech of blessings. Whisper to angels a whisper of shared favor. And if I need to shout then shout to Heaven. I come to you meek of the meek, low of the low; heavily begging for attention on my knees.”

“Forgiveness in your son’s name. Envelop on to this involuted posture I find myself in. Be the figure in the fire of the sun casting hands on me in your light. Be the shine of the moon under my house of rest and give me comfort. Be the breezy gust that comes to cool me on my walks. I welcome you.”

“Be courageous onto the field of my slighted mind; I’ve been done wrong by the demons that haunt my mind and heart. Come through to every crisp dot of cell in my blood as I need to be reborn. I’ve been over taken and turned to a wretch of a man by my own surrender to old ways. I’ve returned to the pond I once drank from to which I should’ve known better in not part taking in backsliding. I recovered, showed resolve, and ask here for forgiveness.”

“Take my neck and wring it if you must but return to me my savior. Take my back and whip it with scorpions if you must. Cut off a digit from the hand or foot as I have shoved them into my mouth as an infant that doesn’t know any better. Let me give out my wealth to who and on what bills that need it more than me. You heard what I said and don’t call me a liar.”

“Now don’t refuse to believe what I shared, your mind may not want to accept these revaluations. Even deep down inside me is a voice saying accept it, it’s the truth; you above all else must know I am true. I will know, time will help. I feel sorry for my confusion but this world was not about truths and lies or even intent. In this world there is one thing worth knowing and that is hard facts.”

“Despite this truth, people misguidedly choose to only accept the facts that appeal to their way of thinking, they’re so limited, they only accept the truth that is comfortable. However, you are different; you see all facts, all truths, all lies and know what is important to discern my judgement. So this is simply about wanting to give up my last vise of personal power, realizing things may not have been as I accepted them to be. It unsettles me. It overwhelms me.”

“I keep no secrets that you don’t already know watching over me. So please let this sin pass, forgiven. Dear heavenly father in Jesus Christ name, forgive me. I repent my heart, my soul, and all my inward self. Amen”

>Section:3

My prayers are over and I wake in the middle of night, eyeing for time but recoil at the bright burning numbers on my phone. I head to the restroom and contemplate my day. I returned to sleeping when I was done. But my sins called demons to my sleep when I finished in the restroom. In tears I fell asleep:

“I’m the killer you choose and the devil you know at the end of our cross roads, I’m ready to pull in my chips for you and grant your one and only heart-filled wish. You’ve once prayed for blue and red devils at the turn of the corner, I’m not as beautiful as the seductive pushers of most life destroyers, enders, and killers. But you know I’ll lay only for you and sleep across your chest like a lucky cat asleep in peace. You know you’ve had enough with most loves that faded but I’ve been at the turn of your life many times over. You push me away like the experience shared by most who know my love, will you have the heart to let me love you most.”

“Your name is empty, your bones crack at the weight of your flesh like you’ve eating yourself to death. Come take back my love and wear me on your skull. Let death become your true face to share with the guilty smiles you pretend were once real just like when you said you loved your siblings over and over hoping they’ll hear you crying inside. The turn of your life spins us about like a roulette table clicking at what your morals will be empowered with. Come take the turn by your own hands; let us be together.”

“The first casualties are truth, trust, and peace; which leaves you within a warring state. Educated the mind but not the heart, so it was uneducated to deal with loss as a Christian. It would be easy to say the world is fucked up as well as given into the conflict than fight against it. Go on with the world with a heart learning to hold back interest or investments into others because people are momentary. Trust no one, and in trust in nothing, the only peace is in the absence of belief.”

“I mean what really comes out of belief. Some change of words. Life comes out of death and death out of life. Some Spanish phrase or an ancient proverb that builds reasons to go on.

But “NO,” I responded to the devil of my dreams. And I continue on with:

“What is this that I can not see but hear? What heavenly name must I involve to call you out? What monster brings my dreams back to old nightmares of my mind? What pleases you is not gold, silver, or mead but my soul on your tongue. I dame you, I curse the already cursed, I scorn the exiled ones; which is you.”

“My blood has always been hot blooded so be aware of my anger; if you loved me my whole life then you know my hidden anger that I’ve kept behind my teeth. What I keep from destroying my relationships, my life, my family, and all my hopes. I am a man so the beast of burden I’ve broken in is the restraint needed to control my anger. You want my soul but you will take my anger for what you said to me, for what you believe I still dream of, for what you think I want most right now in my life. I want my sister and that’s what I want most of all.”

“So take this anger, take this pain, take all my hate, for I have heard you before and I know better than I ever had. I cast you from my ear and my side, cast you under my foot as I scream in this internal world that is mine. How dare you violate what my sister has saved. How dare you clam to know me but know nothing of the pain I’ve endured. You want us to be different or new for your benefit and dare say I’ve prayed for you right now, when I’ve prayed for more selfish things.”

“I prayed for my sister to return to me in heaven, not you. I dreamt of my sister nearly every day and all those days have been in anger. An anger that has not left me. While you claim to be at every turn of my life to which I know is partially true; what and better yet who has been there is my sister. So how dare you come to me as my one true love when the one that loved me most has left me. In all the places I’ve been searching for calmness, you pick the one place that’s a maelstrom of my fury.”

“Doctors fucked my sister over, and now you want me to fuck myself on your behave. NO! I will not destroy myself for you; you are my enemy. You are “the enemy” of my whole life. So once I listen to my words; I am Albert Morales, a son of pain, a brother of anguish, a kin of endurance and resolve.” 

“Return to eating ash, return to dirt that you’ve crept on, return to the smoke in fires that have burnt you to a hollow being of shade. In my God’s name and Jesus Christ’s name; I Cast You OUT! This is my world you dare to calm as your home. My life you dare court with. My sister’s last gift to me and you dare try to harm it.”

“I break the bonds that hold my tongue, the restrictions that hold myself still, the very repressed nature I cultivated. I let it out. I demand your words be carved back into you. This sense of pain be brought back to you 20, no 40 times worse than what my life has endured. Let every cage of torment in hell meet you.”

“Let every demon know your name as he who dares take me from my sister. I pray now for vengeance to be brought upon you, I pray for you to be rebuked. Your natural existence be judged again by my God! You said take the turn of my life by my hands and I have, I’ve taken it against you. I’ve taken it for myself.”

“I shall not be another notch in your belt, another victim of yours. I shall not meet death tell God takes me from this plan of fleshy, temporary, and bitter temptations that you dare craft as lean cooked meat. The marbled cuts of Godsend words have done more for me than you could’ve. I’ve been feed by the spirit that overwhelms me with love that I have missed. And you pitch a proposal for us, my soul has never been mine to sell; my soul has been Gods from the very beginning. Protected, cared for, loved, and promised to.”

“You know nothing of love. You know nothing of me. So dear Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s name I cast your vile touch off me, the words of seduction be scrubbed from off my mind. In my God’s name I cast you out!”